Part of what is the matter with America today is we have too many bathrooms. How many people shared a bathroom in your home when you were growing up?
We were blessed to have one set of grandparents living with us, so we were seven, and we shared one full bathroom, and yes, a half bathroom on the first floor. What we have now is therapy, sensitivity groups, time management experts, organizational behavior experts, and others doing the job formally done by the necessity of really understanding another person’s needs and quirks. If everyone has a TV, phone, and bathroom, when do we learn the idea of negotiation, give, and take, and appropriate interdependence? This theory of mine: One bathroom = meaningful interdependence – may not hold water, but it does lead me to the discussion of our connection with our older relatives and how to help them.
Thanksgiving and other gatherings at the end of the year are especially full of the richness and complexity of family. You see either in your imagination or at your holiday table the faces of loved ones, some of whom will need your care, just as you at one time needed theirs. What should you do?
You may already feel that there are too many demands on your energy, time, and money. Nonetheless, you feel interconnected and want to do something. Here are some preliminary steps you can take before Mom or Dad or Aunt or Uncle has a stroke, suffers a serious fall, or begins to show signs of Alzheimer’s.
Small steps to take as you begin to consider these significant matters
- Conversation starters
Because it can be hard to talk about health issues and frailty having a conversation starter can help. You’ll know best what will work with your family.
For instance, you can blame the discussion on a financial planner. The lead in is: Mom, I’ve been speaking with a financial planner who asked me (try any of these) …
Will your mom and dad come to live with you?
Do you know if they have written a will and if so, where is it?
Are they covered by a long-term care policy?
Perhaps, Mom and Dad will be pleased that you are being financially prudent.
Another approach is referencing an article or news story. “Dad, I read an article about… What do you think about …”
Start with something that has happened to a person they know. What did you find out about your friend, Pat’s going into a nursing home, or assisted living…?
Ask your parents about anyone they know and how that family is dealing with a health change. The discussion can lead to your asking, “If that had been you, what would you want us to do?”
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- Executor/executrix or currently called Personal Representative
You asked me to be the person in charge of dealing with your estate. I can do that, and I pray that will be many years from now.
Just so I can do whatever you ask, does each of you have a current will? Who is your attorney? Is there anything you want me to know about it? Any surprises that you want the family to know about? Do you want me to read it over?
You are communicating your willingness to help without intruding too far at the moment. If they are open to your reading the will that is the best outcome. You will want to check on specific bequests to family, friends, and charities. Our Aunt Mary many years before her death allowed each of the nieces and nephews to choose which of her paintings they wanted. So, our names were listed in an addendum to the will and a tag was attached on the back of each canvas.
If your parents answer that the legal documents are in a safety deposit box, that may present a problem. In many states the safety deposit box is sealed at death. Find out the rules at their bank. Will you have access if your name is added? That is a step in the right direction but if a death occurs when the bank is closed, how will you know the directives for the funeral and other arrangements?
Be aware that taking on the role of the executor/executrix or personal representative requires work on your part. The larger and more complex their holdings, the more time and expertise you will need. You may need the help of accountants, appraisers, attorneys, real estate agents and others. Here’s one list of the duties of an executor https://www.elderlawanswers.com/what-is-required-of-an-executor-6434
- Know the neighbors
Mom and Dad, you said you really like the neighbors who moved in next door. I’d like to meet them. Do you have their phone number?
You want the numbers of people who live right near your mom and dad so you can call them, or they can call you in an emergency.
Mom and Dad, do you have a written Health Care Proxy? If you were hospitalized, who has the right to speak to the doctor about your medical care?
You want to be sure that your parents have such documents and that copies are in your hands, and available to their doctors’ and the local hospital.
- Everyone can help
Plan a strategy session with other concerned members of the family- siblings, cousins, grandchildren. Discuss how you could help Mom and Dad if it becomes necessary. Who could give them house space? Who could provide some income? Who would cut the grass? Could you pool your money and cover the premium for long-term care insurance so that professional care could be brought into their home? That way one family member would not be responsible for all the care.
One nurse I recently met did not like the spoiled Me-first attitude she began to see in her teenagers. So, she set the goal that each week they must do specific chores or acts of kindness for their grandparents. Some items on the list were: preparing a meal, being available for a set time to do whatever chores were required, shopping for them, etc. The nurse was encouraging “meaningful interdependence”. The grandparents had been there to nurture the young people, now it was appropriate for them to be respond with creative caring.
Perhaps we learned interdependence because of limited resources like one phone, one bathroom, or maybe we learned it by love or duty. In any case, we are richer for caring, accommodating, and understanding our common human condition with its joys and frailties. We may also find that how we address the needs of our older relatives draws the blueprint for how we in turn may be cared for. Let’s perpetuate the best of caring.
